tomorrow feels like yesterday

Almost 13 months since I last tasted your kiss, felt your heart beat, heard you say the words I love you. Most days I cope just fine, I am  excited about my future and what God has for me. I don't give the thought of you much more attention than to pray for you. Today however is one of those days I've grown to know these past 13 months all to well. I would be content with crying the rest of this afternoon and listening to songs that were 'ours' or just sad love songs and reminisce on how things use to be, what I use to have. I can't shake you the past three days, since Sunday. It all started again when I went to Breath of Life, I just can't do it. I still only see you, hear you, knowing exactly how you would be playing and swaying to Praise and Worship. It's where you should be, it's where I feel you more than anywhere else in this town. I try, I really do, but the only solution is to  not go back. There is no getting over it, the only way to deal with it is not put myself in that place. All I've wanted to do is just see you and talk to you the past few days, I look for you everywhere hoping I'll run into you..... 
It's all coming to an end, and that's why I'm feeling this way. By next month if all goes according to plan it should be over. That's it. Peace. We go our own separate ways. You go to her, I go home alone. I'm dreading that day and the month to follow. Yes I said month. The realness of what is happening is starting to take affect. It hurts, its the worst pain, and even tho it hurts so bad theres no words that even begin to describe it. It's not a "break up" pain, it's not a "I hate you" pain. It's a "You were my entire world, my life was you. I use to dream about you at 12 years old and talk to God about you. I knew I was going to marry you at 14, It's a you were my very first Love, it's like losing your best friend, family member, your dog died, half of your being is connected to that person, it's like walking around this big ol' world with this whole that just remains empty and it's as if people can just look right through it, that's how visible it should be because of how real it feels. no matter what you try to fill it with. It takes away your self worth, confidence, reason for even waking up in the morning, it takes away all your energy, you have stomach pains from the emptiness that no food, drink, chocolate, nothing can stop. Even the sunniest, birds chirping, flowers blooming day feels like a thunderstorm that your trapped in. It literally feels like you are incomplete, half of me is gone. Nobody can make it better, no money can buy you enough things to hide it, no amount of weight loss can make you feel good about yourself, no amount of makeup can make you feel pretty, no matter how many guys might be interested, you still feel unwanted". Even all of that doesn't even compare to the pain. I try to hide it the best I know how, but sometimes you have no choice it just all comes pouring out. Tonight is that night. Today has been emotionally exhausting for me. I want to eat and go to sleep and not dream about your face, then wake up to a new morning. A "happy" day. I feel like if I say it enough eventually it will set in.  The part that is even harder and the most painful is feeling like you don't feel any of this...

it never goes away

The thought of you comes on so strong sometimes its hard to breathe. Its like walking through life with hurricane force winds blowing in your face while your gasping to catch your breath. Some nights I still cry myself to sleep. Others I just wake up from dreaming of your face. I miss you the same as yesterday and the same as tomorrow. I wish each day got easier but it doesn't. I can mask your shadow in my mind if I keep entertained where I'm not allowed to entertain you. But that's never permanent. Your almost like an IV that will forever be connected to me, continually flowing through my veins. Feeling your presence everywhere I go. How am I suppose to ever move on if you still have every ounce of my heart? Yet you fail to know it, or take the time for me to tell you. You write me off like I've never been apart of your world. I wish I could do the same back maybe that's how you gather up all the pieces and just start running. But for me its like running in place. Your thought never goes away.

No Turning Back

Verse 1:
I still can't find the words to say to you
for the way I feel now that your near
I'd take the time if there was to explain to you
all the things you make me feel and do


Chorus:
There's no turning back 
I'm in to deep there's no rescuing me 
and I won't fight 
I'm into deep your love is getting to me
and that's alright 


Verse 2:
Your oh so beautiful I just want you to know
but it's more than this one thing for sure
this feeling I cant contain it anymore
I just can't hold it back and I don't think I want to



Bridge:
When these feelings come over me
I want you to stay so they will ever leave

by: TDT

2012

It's a new year, you know what that means new resolutions for the next 365 days. I've never really made resolutions before so I think now at 24 is the time to start :) Some may be silly, some may be extreme and the rest normal so here's to keeping them.. Cheers!!

- to have whiter teeth

-to clean my car inside & out once a week

-to learn from the past & sincerely move on

-to get together with friends at least once a week

-to Pray more

-to increase my income

-to pay my car off

-to be 115lbs. period. 

-to exercise at least 3 times a week

-to try new things often

-simply to be happy again

-call my Mama more often

-be a better person in general

-to meet new people 

-to dance A LOT

-to be in love 

-to try and hear when God speaks

-to figure out my talents and purpose I was created for

Goodbye 2011....

Hello 2012!!!!!!!

it's blurry but it will have to do! 

here's to a wonderful NEW YEAR. 

"12" has always been my favorite number 

so I am hoping for the best year yet...