just maybe...

maybe i still love you
and maybe it hasn't gotten any easier
maybe every time you ignore me, it reminds me i have nothing
maybe i haven't been any happier since i left
and maybe i take it out on others, because your not around
maybe i don't know what to do
maybe i hope i run into you everyday
and maybe for just a moment tonight i felt like my world was complete again
maybe i still wonder what its like to kiss you
maybe im still going to try and forget you
and maybe im just lonely
maybe i dont really miss you at all
and then maybe i made the biggest mistake of my life

another therapy session at the beauty shop

so today at the beauty shop was one of those days where people decide to tell you everything. in a 30 minute sitting you go from meeting someone for the first time to knowing how many kids they have, usually they either absolutely adore there husbands or they let you know they see divorce in there future. you know where they are from and why they are now here, whether its visiting or moved down from some northern cold state. i myself have found that i guess women just need someone who knows nothing about them prior too the appointment's advice if you will. need i remind you i'm usually at least half there age and hello i myself am going thru a divorce so therefore some would say i have no room to give advice. nonetheless they still like to tell me there personal business. so with shears in hand i listen and nod. if i do not agree i definitely let them know but in a nice way. 


todays incident went as follows. a daughter of one of my regulars came in for the first time. she is 40 and married with a little girl and one on the way. very nice lady, and must i say i never would have guessed she was 40, she looked wonderful and had an amazing body. at first it started out normal, shampoo, haircut the usual. however somewhere between the blow dry and her paying i learned that she is extremely unhappy with her husband. reason being she thinks he should do more, work harder, his goals and ambition just went out the window since they have been married. okay so that sounds like what 70% of couples. well the problem as i found out a few minutes later is not necessarily her husband alone, but she has a male friend who she formally worked with and still keeps in touch with frequently. he also is married with children, the difference here is he is telling her hes made the decision to go back to school and get his masters, he has a teriffic job, wonderful pay. so after she gets off the phone to him she then feels as if her husband isnt doing all he could be. which makes her think the grass is greener on the other side. she went on to say how her husband worked late the other night and had to drive home even later and expected praise for it. where she felt like he was an idiot with poor planning. there is definitely a communication barrier there. i said well maybe you just need to compliment him on working hard and then he will like the praise and continue to keep it up. but she is too far gone and said she will never do that. 


all that said i think with what i have read and know from experience, sometimes when your spouse isnt doing things perfect or what you think they should be doing you should still try and find something to compliment them on. no matter who it is or why, it is always easier to find things you dont like to complain about and bring up. trust me i can sometimes be the best at this. but i really think the key is everybody wants to feel like someone is proud of them l, or appreciates them. so if you try and maybe start with just going an entire day with only saying positive things to your loved one then it makes them want to be a better person to continue to make you happy. because then that in return makes them happy. no matter how small or big the issue, take the time and try it. i bet you will see a change. a good one for me would be instead of myself always complaining that he is always working and we never do anything, i should be telling him babe i am proud of you, im glad you get up and go to work everyday, it shows that one day if we choose you will be able to provide for us. then it makes them want to work even harder. its almost as if a light bulb went off today when she was telling me her problems, as to say hey you need to look in the mirror and do the same and maybe your relationship will progress. so your homework for the next day is only positive, kind, nice things to your spouse. try and find why you fell in love with them in the first place. 

my new diggs!

so cheers to a new journey... it starts now! i just moved into my own apartment. no boys, no roommates. just me. how am i feeling about this? well lets just say its going to be okay. its hard when i get to feeling lonely at night that if i would have just accepted things i could have someone around but then i remember all the reasons why i just couldn't accept 'that' as life. theres this feeling of accomplishment and independence. that is pretty nice. knowing that your not depending on anyone else in this world to provide for you, knowing that unlike many girls these days who cant do anything for themselves and here i am, girly, beautiful, smart, spoiled as a child, and yet i made it. i have a career, a place to lay my head, a vehicle to get me to and from, and i now can say I'm doing it on my own. that feels so good!! now yes my momma and lots of people got me this far and i am very thankful to have a family as great as i do. they raised me right now i have things to show for it. this is going to be an adventure.

God, I need some guidance

how do you ever know what you want in life? who's to say this is what your supposed to be doing. all my life I've been told to pray for what God's plan is for my life. i don't do it everyday and sometimes i go months without thinking about it or praying about it. but i feel like I'm that person who never knows when God's talking to me. i can never decipher my own thoughts in my head or if maybe that thought was placed there by God and that's His answer to my prayer. I feel like maybe I'm not close enough or i don't deserve to hear from Him. i need to know what my purpose is in this life. i need to know whats going to make me happy everyday. I'm tired of always worrying about making the wrong choice or decisions and not being in His plan. who I'm suppose to be with, what career I'm suppose to have, where i should be living. I'm so confused.
i just want to do what is right. i want to skip the nonsense and get on with what God has for me. this world really has nothing to offer me. i need to find a new church. i need to get back into being in His presence. my life is constant haywire these days, i feel all out of sorts. like I'm searching for something, but i just cant figure out what it is. i was so close to God this time last year my life felt right, it felt like it was what it was intended to be. then all of a sudden everything flipped scripts again. i just don't get it. i just want to start fresh and new, although I'm not quite sure what that even truly means.
i feel so unworhty and undeserving of anything God has to offer me. i make mistakes every single day, usually the same mistake over and over again. more so these days than before. I'm going to try and get my life back on track. starting this Sunday i am finding a church to go to. even if i have to go by myself!! its the last days and i will not be left behind!!