no matter what i say

its officially been a year now and yet this morning in church i had another melt down. why. when will i ever get over you. i keep telling myself i am in love with the person you use to be not who you are today. and as much as i know that to be true it isnt making this any easier. i dont think i want to be back together but then again it may even be a pride thing at this point. because no matter what i say im not over you. every song, slow, fast, happy or sad, every movie, every person i run into, family, friends, work, just driving, everything that comes out of my mouth is still about you. and maybe thats because your all ive ever had to talk about, but its been 12 months now and i should have more to talk about besides you. you should be erasing a little more everyday and i swear none of you has gone anywhere. 


this morning i think was different, it wasnt a YOU meltdown. it was a why am i not lucky enough to find a husband like Shawna and Hannah, someone who loves the Lord. Someone who worships with there whole heart and shows it. someone who dresses so nice, someone who will say come on were going to church, someone who will take my hand and pray with me all the time, someone who can still have fun and go places but it not be about "partying". someone who understands and has the same morals and sees the world similar to how i do. a husband who is always there holding his kids and playing with them, kissing there boo boos, tucking them in at night. someone who loves to laugh, to see the world, to spend quality time and sincerely have an interest in his family. it was hard seeing and holding little Evynn knowing that i could have a baby right now if i would have stayed, that could be me. not that it would have made it better but this is the life i want. so why can i not find a Godly man, a hard working man, a unselfish man?? when will it be my turn? i never knew it was so hard to be alone. i see potential in this one but i swear its going to take a long time and quite frankly i dont know if i have that time. so God you have got to send the ONE my way and i am begging you, like tomorrow. 

Newlyweds..

So tonight is one of those nights I've come accustom to lately. not to exciting, lounging around in some leggings and over sized t-shirt. sexy right? haha. So I've been on this Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey kick the past few days. It's not abnormal for me, seeings how I've been there BIGGEST fans since they first appeared on Newlyweds, what like 6 years ago?! I have a few opinions on this, first i would like to blame Jessica for making me think i could act like her and life would be grand. However i guess i didn't have to "act" because for the most part the whole "housewife" thing, yea well i knew nothing about it. Being spoiled and taken care of my whole life, not having to do laundry, dishes, clean hardly anything I too was "not so smart". Thank God Travis still loved me through it and we ended up doing pretty much everything together. Which was nice in the end. Second I would like to blame Nick for making me think every man is like him when it comes to surprises and being romantic and still masculine. NOT SO. I never walked in to a surprise dinner, with flowers or music playing. I never walked in to rose petals and candles. Nope! Never! Thanks a lot Nick for creating in my head something that was never going to happen which meant i was doomed from the get go. Third, Even tho they lasted 3 years and we only lasted 2, only in a few ways can i relate. Obviously it was her decision, as was mine. He was what i believed her first "real" love, as was mine. little things, but then when i listen to there albums after they split, they literally could be mine and travis' soundtracks as well. its kinda scary how real and perfect they fit. Now this is just a side note. I'm not quite sure if it's just because it's what i was and i guess still to a point am use to, or if theres more behind it. But anytime i think of spending my life with someone it's still you....

I feel as if Nick's entire album could have been taken straight from Travis' journal... :( 

it's the only video i could find but the song is my heart <3 

when will i see you again?

i miss you today. to be completely honest there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about you. some days i have a handle on it others I'm a loose cannon. i thought it would be easy by now, it might would be if i would have dealt with the pain in the beginning. instead i chose to not deal with it and latch on to someone else. because they had that one thing you lacked. so now that its just me alone almost all the time i have no choice but to deal with it now. 

am i mad at myself for leaving? some days because with the time that has passed and the realization that you were great in so many ways that i never gave you credit for starts to set in. i apologize for being young and naive, for expecting a fairy tale, for not knowing any better. for marrying my first love and not know the reality of all that goes into a relationship. then there are days where i am proud of myself. for getting out and not staying any longer in the chance that it was never going to change and would always be the same problems over and over. id be slightly happy, try to have kids to make it look like we had it all together, like we were super happy and so in love. id still never fit in, you would still never be around or occupied with something besides me. then id be stuck with babies and a dog and still begging for your attention. with my leaving i have shown myself that i can take care of me. provide for myself. i have a successful career, my own house, a car, i pay my own bills. now i can know that i need no one to live. it is now a choice to let others help me or take care of me. i don't need a man for those reasons. 

then there are those days where i sit and think ya know who's to say that we might would be the best we had ever been. everything could have gotten better and changed, we could be spending time together, going places, you would still be doing good. we would happily be welcoming our first little one soon. life could be what i always expected. those days are the toughest. those are the days where i miss your kiss in the morning. where i miss waiting for you to walk thru that door at 5:30, where me and buddy use to sit by the window awaiting your arrival. those days where i felt alive. i know i cant undo whats done and I'm not saying that i would want to do that even if i could. I'm just saying i miss you. i wish i had some kind of relationship with you. you were my best friend. you knew me better than anyone. i could count on you, when i needed a bug killed you were there, when my check engine light came on you were there. when i needed you to spray tan my backside you were there, to get those hateful microscopic hairs out of my skin you were the best. 

all i know is that i know absolutely nothing anymore. since I've been gone I've had no big revelations, it hasn't gotten any easier, and i don't miss you any less. i wish i could save you, i would rescue you from yourself and the people your surrounding yourself with these days. you would have purpose and worth again. you would know someone loves you more than anything else in this world. because no matter what comes my way, where i am, who I'm with, or where i am in this world. i will always be your biggest fan, and i will forever love you. 

i'm not the only one with a crazy relationship..

i have found what could be the most perfect card ever!!! so i will share :)

"our relationship has never followed the rules.
we've never been the kind of fairy tale couple you see in the movies.
it seems like we're either head over heels in love
or crazy with frustration.
we're not perfect,
and neither is this relationship.
but you know what?
it's ours. all ours-
the little jokes that only we understand,
the way our hands naturally find each other's,
and the memories that seem so wonderful
now that we look back.
our relationship will never be perfect,
but it will always be an important part of me.
i don't know what's in store for us.
but i know i want you in my life.
i know i love you.
and i know that i'd rather be "real" with you than "fairy-tale"
with anyone else. "

-Amy S. Trowbridge

it's as if i wrote this myself.