God, I need some guidance

how do you ever know what you want in life? who's to say this is what your supposed to be doing. all my life I've been told to pray for what God's plan is for my life. i don't do it everyday and sometimes i go months without thinking about it or praying about it. but i feel like I'm that person who never knows when God's talking to me. i can never decipher my own thoughts in my head or if maybe that thought was placed there by God and that's His answer to my prayer. I feel like maybe I'm not close enough or i don't deserve to hear from Him. i need to know what my purpose is in this life. i need to know whats going to make me happy everyday. I'm tired of always worrying about making the wrong choice or decisions and not being in His plan. who I'm suppose to be with, what career I'm suppose to have, where i should be living. I'm so confused.
i just want to do what is right. i want to skip the nonsense and get on with what God has for me. this world really has nothing to offer me. i need to find a new church. i need to get back into being in His presence. my life is constant haywire these days, i feel all out of sorts. like I'm searching for something, but i just cant figure out what it is. i was so close to God this time last year my life felt right, it felt like it was what it was intended to be. then all of a sudden everything flipped scripts again. i just don't get it. i just want to start fresh and new, although I'm not quite sure what that even truly means.
i feel so unworhty and undeserving of anything God has to offer me. i make mistakes every single day, usually the same mistake over and over again. more so these days than before. I'm going to try and get my life back on track. starting this Sunday i am finding a church to go to. even if i have to go by myself!! its the last days and i will not be left behind!!

baby, remind me

why is it the things that originally attracted us to the one were with change. the reasons we fell in love with them they no longer do or it seems as if they all went MIA after a few months. where do they go? why do they go? or is it just that they simply haven't disappeared but you've reached the what i call dreaded comfort zone? i find that most people in the beginning of course are more willing to compromise then later on in the relationship. your trying to impress the other so you'll do things you don't even necessarily like. to me that's a no go, don't do that. i wish you could look at someone and see say 6 months then 2 years down the road and be able to make your judgements then.
i fell in love with the nights on the beach under the stars and moon. the way he was always all over me and promised it would never change. the way he held my hand and never let go, no matter where we were or who was around. theres a million things, i could go on for days. but it almost seems as if the things i fell in love with have gone to the curb side not all of them just a few but its the little things that are the most important. how does this happen? guys if you don't like the beach don't take your girl in the beginning if your never gonna do it again. if your not the lovey dovey type then don't be that way in the beginning. you guys need to start being real!! i think more then girls you need to stop doing what every girl wants and just be you. so that way later on down the road when you've reached that comfortable stage its not a bad thing. that way when shes expecting to go sit and for walks on the beach at night because that's what you did in the beginning she doesn't get let down because all of a sudden you hate the beach and don't plan on ever doing that again. don't waste our time with stuff that isn't going to last. or on a different note you could always just learn to compromise and do it only for the simple fact that it makes her happy and that in return makes you happy.

never let a day go by that you don't remind your love how you feel and why your with them. find those butterflies and re-create those nights that drew you together.

a fun weekend!!

So some fun and exciting things have happened this weekend! Some expected, some not at all. I finally after 23 years of life got my first computer that's mine and I don't have to share or worry about anyone else using. See something so simple that others take for granite is a huge deal for me. Thanks to my dad and Jane, Its perfect. Its super girly, pink and purple backgrounds, soft sensual music plays thru the speakers as I write thanks to Maxwell. He definitely knows how to set the mood. Even when I'm stressed his voice soothes and relieves my stress. It feels so good to truly have something that's mine. These past seven months I have often felt lost and misplaced at times. Always having to use somebody else's stuff, doing things somebody else's way. Its not fun. But ya know I guess that's part of starting over and yes I know everybody who starts anew goes thru this so I'm not trying to have a pity party. I'm just saying. I'm hoping to start doing this blog thing right and keep up with it now. Start learning how to design it and make my post better and interesting and always straight from my heart. Now I can add pictures and music all that stuff that will show my personality.
Other interesting things this weekend... I had my first photo shoot Saturday night! That was a lot of fun and a little out of my element. I feel like I look silly when I don't smile, but I didn't want to smile in every picture that gets old ya know? Aghh.. one day I will be a professional hahaa. I will post some of the pictures as soon as I get the disc. I didn't want your typical beach scenes just because I live at the beach so I asked Jami if we could go for a rustic theme. She totally agreed, so we went slight country cute I guess. Horses, barns, fences, cornfields it was fun. I even went and bought a cowgirl hat and feather earrings!! No cowboy boots here tho just denim heels. Let me just say though after seeing yourself on film you see what needs some work and how many more pounds you need to lose. No photo shop here unfortunately, trust I asked. I'm hoping to start taking pictures more often, you can never have too many pictures. I would love to have a nice camera and just snap anywhere and everywhere. One day.
Well tomorrow starts another week, hopefully its successful. I'm gonna finish my weekend out by watching cupcake wars, a quick shower then off to dreamland. Hope you had a wonderful weekend and an even better week to come. sweet dreams!! 

Liars shouldn't talk about love!

LOVE.... whoever says it is easy has never been in love before! I think this might possibly be the hardest thing we will ever do in life. Okay so maybe your disagreeing with me right now but that's okay, your allowed to. The question is why? why is it the hardest thing, when you think of being in love nobody ever thinks okay so what will we be working at today. No, you think butterflies in your tummy, grins that only he or she can produce, that heart skipping a beat when you see there name pop up on your phone, i love yous and tons and tons of kisses. That is the easy 'fairy tale' part of being in love. After a few months when your no longer embarrassed if you burp in front of him, or if you kiss first thing when your eyes open even with morning breath, that's when the work comes into play. Its now time to decide if what you have is worth fighting for and keeping the spark and connection alive. Now it takes patience, selflessness, putting their needs before yours, thinking before you speak (which i have a huge problem with), figuring out when to be the first to say I'm sorry. All the hard things that nobody teaches you, you kinda just have to learn them on your own. 


The number one 'problem' which is never a problem in the beginning stages of love is communication!!!!!! I have found that the key thing to a lasting relationship, well wait a second I probably should say the key thing that tears couples apart is no communication. Seeings how I haven't really had a 'lasting' relationship yet. In saying that though that has been my problem in the past, we never talked, there was never a 'hey! how was your day" or a "look this is why I'm mad...". Without that you wont go far I, myself am very vocal. I always say how I feel, even if its not the nicest thing. Sometimes you just have to be blunt and honest. But when you get nothing in return you soon find your arguing with yourself. Then what you thought was until the end of time is now until you sign these papers. I hate when people shut down and don't just say it like it is. I need and want to know why you feel the way you do and why your mad at me. So I can work on it and if it's truly my fault I want to change that. Nobody wants to stay a certain way if its a bad thing.  Not to mention see after so many little disagreements and holding it all in, then comes one HUGE fight and you explode on me out of nowhere over something dumb like not going to sit on the beach. When the reason I didn't go there is because you said you didn't like to sit on the beach, so by me putting you first and not dragging you out there, you get mad at me. How does that even make sense. Like I'm still confused... 


You wanna know whats the scary part and difference between being married and just being in a relationship? The fact that in a marriage you can get extremely pissed off and even leave for a few hours or hey even a night but your coming home for sure. Well just being in a relationship is super scary for me. At any moment a simple argument can turn into "I'm done" and it really be over for good. There's really no safety or security anymore, no matter how much you love each other, no matter how long you've been together. Let me tell you, after some trial and error you learn quick whats worth fighting over and whats not and just let it slide. However I apparently like to throw it all out and deal with it when its current so I don't have to sit on it and think. But as I said in my last post... I'm learning, trying hard to fix those things. 


The most important thing I think is you have to both take the time to try and figure out each other. Men and women are so soo sooo different. I am your typical woman for instance; This sky wheel down in myrtle beach well I've been wanting to ride it and haven't yet. Okay, well here's my thinking on it.. In my head now that I have voiced I want to go ride it several times, I'm thinking okay its a simple cheap way to show me you want to do things that make me happy, so you surprise me one night and lets ride down there grab something simple to eat, and go ride it. Ta Da!! super simple!! well I guess in a mans mind it goes something like this; if she wants to ride it then she'll ask me to lets go one night, she'll say where were eating and that's that. Or she'll go with her friends if she really wants to go. Hello!!! wrong! I want to go for the first time with you, because you are what makes it special. You, are who I want to spend my time with. If I wanted to just ride it and not care I would have been there the day it opened with whom ever.