just another venting moment

You were so wonderful. You always will be. You will always be the person I knew, not the person you are now. I tried to run. I tried to tell myself I didn't love you. Truth is I've never loved you more than I do now. I tried to tell myself it would be so much better if I just left. I thought someone else could love me more. I thought there would be someone better. I thought that what I had was nothing to brag about. Its simple really. I just thought the grass was greener on the other side. But what I found out is the grass is greener where you water it. And though I had convinced myself I did everything right, all I knew to do, that I didn't put us in this situation, truth is I did just as much as you. I lay in bed at night for some times hours and reflect on what we had. I lay and wonder what you are doing. If you maybe are thinking of me. If you ever think about me. I have lately realized even more reasons why you were so wonderful. How good I truly had it. How I never had to worry about you. How you would look at me, how you would kiss me, the feelings you use to give me when I waited for you to come home, how we for the most part never were apart. I also think of all the things I would do different given the chance....

I don't know if it was simply a live and learn moment in my life, or maybe one day we will be again and I will love you even more. Whatever happens I have come to terms with it, I am trying my best to depend on God alone to direct my path, and if that means a Mr. & Mrs. Thompson 2.0 then I will do everything in my power to make it all up to you. If it means the RIGHT one, the one who was created for me is still out there, then I hope to take my lessons learned and be a better woman for him. Because there is nothing greater in this life than to LOVE and be LOVED. 

no matter what i say

its officially been a year now and yet this morning in church i had another melt down. why. when will i ever get over you. i keep telling myself i am in love with the person you use to be not who you are today. and as much as i know that to be true it isnt making this any easier. i dont think i want to be back together but then again it may even be a pride thing at this point. because no matter what i say im not over you. every song, slow, fast, happy or sad, every movie, every person i run into, family, friends, work, just driving, everything that comes out of my mouth is still about you. and maybe thats because your all ive ever had to talk about, but its been 12 months now and i should have more to talk about besides you. you should be erasing a little more everyday and i swear none of you has gone anywhere. 


this morning i think was different, it wasnt a YOU meltdown. it was a why am i not lucky enough to find a husband like Shawna and Hannah, someone who loves the Lord. Someone who worships with there whole heart and shows it. someone who dresses so nice, someone who will say come on were going to church, someone who will take my hand and pray with me all the time, someone who can still have fun and go places but it not be about "partying". someone who understands and has the same morals and sees the world similar to how i do. a husband who is always there holding his kids and playing with them, kissing there boo boos, tucking them in at night. someone who loves to laugh, to see the world, to spend quality time and sincerely have an interest in his family. it was hard seeing and holding little Evynn knowing that i could have a baby right now if i would have stayed, that could be me. not that it would have made it better but this is the life i want. so why can i not find a Godly man, a hard working man, a unselfish man?? when will it be my turn? i never knew it was so hard to be alone. i see potential in this one but i swear its going to take a long time and quite frankly i dont know if i have that time. so God you have got to send the ONE my way and i am begging you, like tomorrow. 

Newlyweds..

So tonight is one of those nights I've come accustom to lately. not to exciting, lounging around in some leggings and over sized t-shirt. sexy right? haha. So I've been on this Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey kick the past few days. It's not abnormal for me, seeings how I've been there BIGGEST fans since they first appeared on Newlyweds, what like 6 years ago?! I have a few opinions on this, first i would like to blame Jessica for making me think i could act like her and life would be grand. However i guess i didn't have to "act" because for the most part the whole "housewife" thing, yea well i knew nothing about it. Being spoiled and taken care of my whole life, not having to do laundry, dishes, clean hardly anything I too was "not so smart". Thank God Travis still loved me through it and we ended up doing pretty much everything together. Which was nice in the end. Second I would like to blame Nick for making me think every man is like him when it comes to surprises and being romantic and still masculine. NOT SO. I never walked in to a surprise dinner, with flowers or music playing. I never walked in to rose petals and candles. Nope! Never! Thanks a lot Nick for creating in my head something that was never going to happen which meant i was doomed from the get go. Third, Even tho they lasted 3 years and we only lasted 2, only in a few ways can i relate. Obviously it was her decision, as was mine. He was what i believed her first "real" love, as was mine. little things, but then when i listen to there albums after they split, they literally could be mine and travis' soundtracks as well. its kinda scary how real and perfect they fit. Now this is just a side note. I'm not quite sure if it's just because it's what i was and i guess still to a point am use to, or if theres more behind it. But anytime i think of spending my life with someone it's still you....

I feel as if Nick's entire album could have been taken straight from Travis' journal... :( 

it's the only video i could find but the song is my heart <3 

when will i see you again?

i miss you today. to be completely honest there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about you. some days i have a handle on it others I'm a loose cannon. i thought it would be easy by now, it might would be if i would have dealt with the pain in the beginning. instead i chose to not deal with it and latch on to someone else. because they had that one thing you lacked. so now that its just me alone almost all the time i have no choice but to deal with it now. 

am i mad at myself for leaving? some days because with the time that has passed and the realization that you were great in so many ways that i never gave you credit for starts to set in. i apologize for being young and naive, for expecting a fairy tale, for not knowing any better. for marrying my first love and not know the reality of all that goes into a relationship. then there are days where i am proud of myself. for getting out and not staying any longer in the chance that it was never going to change and would always be the same problems over and over. id be slightly happy, try to have kids to make it look like we had it all together, like we were super happy and so in love. id still never fit in, you would still never be around or occupied with something besides me. then id be stuck with babies and a dog and still begging for your attention. with my leaving i have shown myself that i can take care of me. provide for myself. i have a successful career, my own house, a car, i pay my own bills. now i can know that i need no one to live. it is now a choice to let others help me or take care of me. i don't need a man for those reasons. 

then there are those days where i sit and think ya know who's to say that we might would be the best we had ever been. everything could have gotten better and changed, we could be spending time together, going places, you would still be doing good. we would happily be welcoming our first little one soon. life could be what i always expected. those days are the toughest. those are the days where i miss your kiss in the morning. where i miss waiting for you to walk thru that door at 5:30, where me and buddy use to sit by the window awaiting your arrival. those days where i felt alive. i know i cant undo whats done and I'm not saying that i would want to do that even if i could. I'm just saying i miss you. i wish i had some kind of relationship with you. you were my best friend. you knew me better than anyone. i could count on you, when i needed a bug killed you were there, when my check engine light came on you were there. when i needed you to spray tan my backside you were there, to get those hateful microscopic hairs out of my skin you were the best. 

all i know is that i know absolutely nothing anymore. since I've been gone I've had no big revelations, it hasn't gotten any easier, and i don't miss you any less. i wish i could save you, i would rescue you from yourself and the people your surrounding yourself with these days. you would have purpose and worth again. you would know someone loves you more than anything else in this world. because no matter what comes my way, where i am, who I'm with, or where i am in this world. i will always be your biggest fan, and i will forever love you. 

i'm not the only one with a crazy relationship..

i have found what could be the most perfect card ever!!! so i will share :)

"our relationship has never followed the rules.
we've never been the kind of fairy tale couple you see in the movies.
it seems like we're either head over heels in love
or crazy with frustration.
we're not perfect,
and neither is this relationship.
but you know what?
it's ours. all ours-
the little jokes that only we understand,
the way our hands naturally find each other's,
and the memories that seem so wonderful
now that we look back.
our relationship will never be perfect,
but it will always be an important part of me.
i don't know what's in store for us.
but i know i want you in my life.
i know i love you.
and i know that i'd rather be "real" with you than "fairy-tale"
with anyone else. "

-Amy S. Trowbridge

it's as if i wrote this myself.

just maybe...

maybe i still love you
and maybe it hasn't gotten any easier
maybe every time you ignore me, it reminds me i have nothing
maybe i haven't been any happier since i left
and maybe i take it out on others, because your not around
maybe i don't know what to do
maybe i hope i run into you everyday
and maybe for just a moment tonight i felt like my world was complete again
maybe i still wonder what its like to kiss you
maybe im still going to try and forget you
and maybe im just lonely
maybe i dont really miss you at all
and then maybe i made the biggest mistake of my life

another therapy session at the beauty shop

so today at the beauty shop was one of those days where people decide to tell you everything. in a 30 minute sitting you go from meeting someone for the first time to knowing how many kids they have, usually they either absolutely adore there husbands or they let you know they see divorce in there future. you know where they are from and why they are now here, whether its visiting or moved down from some northern cold state. i myself have found that i guess women just need someone who knows nothing about them prior too the appointment's advice if you will. need i remind you i'm usually at least half there age and hello i myself am going thru a divorce so therefore some would say i have no room to give advice. nonetheless they still like to tell me there personal business. so with shears in hand i listen and nod. if i do not agree i definitely let them know but in a nice way. 


todays incident went as follows. a daughter of one of my regulars came in for the first time. she is 40 and married with a little girl and one on the way. very nice lady, and must i say i never would have guessed she was 40, she looked wonderful and had an amazing body. at first it started out normal, shampoo, haircut the usual. however somewhere between the blow dry and her paying i learned that she is extremely unhappy with her husband. reason being she thinks he should do more, work harder, his goals and ambition just went out the window since they have been married. okay so that sounds like what 70% of couples. well the problem as i found out a few minutes later is not necessarily her husband alone, but she has a male friend who she formally worked with and still keeps in touch with frequently. he also is married with children, the difference here is he is telling her hes made the decision to go back to school and get his masters, he has a teriffic job, wonderful pay. so after she gets off the phone to him she then feels as if her husband isnt doing all he could be. which makes her think the grass is greener on the other side. she went on to say how her husband worked late the other night and had to drive home even later and expected praise for it. where she felt like he was an idiot with poor planning. there is definitely a communication barrier there. i said well maybe you just need to compliment him on working hard and then he will like the praise and continue to keep it up. but she is too far gone and said she will never do that. 


all that said i think with what i have read and know from experience, sometimes when your spouse isnt doing things perfect or what you think they should be doing you should still try and find something to compliment them on. no matter who it is or why, it is always easier to find things you dont like to complain about and bring up. trust me i can sometimes be the best at this. but i really think the key is everybody wants to feel like someone is proud of them l, or appreciates them. so if you try and maybe start with just going an entire day with only saying positive things to your loved one then it makes them want to be a better person to continue to make you happy. because then that in return makes them happy. no matter how small or big the issue, take the time and try it. i bet you will see a change. a good one for me would be instead of myself always complaining that he is always working and we never do anything, i should be telling him babe i am proud of you, im glad you get up and go to work everyday, it shows that one day if we choose you will be able to provide for us. then it makes them want to work even harder. its almost as if a light bulb went off today when she was telling me her problems, as to say hey you need to look in the mirror and do the same and maybe your relationship will progress. so your homework for the next day is only positive, kind, nice things to your spouse. try and find why you fell in love with them in the first place. 

my new diggs!

so cheers to a new journey... it starts now! i just moved into my own apartment. no boys, no roommates. just me. how am i feeling about this? well lets just say its going to be okay. its hard when i get to feeling lonely at night that if i would have just accepted things i could have someone around but then i remember all the reasons why i just couldn't accept 'that' as life. theres this feeling of accomplishment and independence. that is pretty nice. knowing that your not depending on anyone else in this world to provide for you, knowing that unlike many girls these days who cant do anything for themselves and here i am, girly, beautiful, smart, spoiled as a child, and yet i made it. i have a career, a place to lay my head, a vehicle to get me to and from, and i now can say I'm doing it on my own. that feels so good!! now yes my momma and lots of people got me this far and i am very thankful to have a family as great as i do. they raised me right now i have things to show for it. this is going to be an adventure.

God, I need some guidance

how do you ever know what you want in life? who's to say this is what your supposed to be doing. all my life I've been told to pray for what God's plan is for my life. i don't do it everyday and sometimes i go months without thinking about it or praying about it. but i feel like I'm that person who never knows when God's talking to me. i can never decipher my own thoughts in my head or if maybe that thought was placed there by God and that's His answer to my prayer. I feel like maybe I'm not close enough or i don't deserve to hear from Him. i need to know what my purpose is in this life. i need to know whats going to make me happy everyday. I'm tired of always worrying about making the wrong choice or decisions and not being in His plan. who I'm suppose to be with, what career I'm suppose to have, where i should be living. I'm so confused.
i just want to do what is right. i want to skip the nonsense and get on with what God has for me. this world really has nothing to offer me. i need to find a new church. i need to get back into being in His presence. my life is constant haywire these days, i feel all out of sorts. like I'm searching for something, but i just cant figure out what it is. i was so close to God this time last year my life felt right, it felt like it was what it was intended to be. then all of a sudden everything flipped scripts again. i just don't get it. i just want to start fresh and new, although I'm not quite sure what that even truly means.
i feel so unworhty and undeserving of anything God has to offer me. i make mistakes every single day, usually the same mistake over and over again. more so these days than before. I'm going to try and get my life back on track. starting this Sunday i am finding a church to go to. even if i have to go by myself!! its the last days and i will not be left behind!!

baby, remind me

why is it the things that originally attracted us to the one were with change. the reasons we fell in love with them they no longer do or it seems as if they all went MIA after a few months. where do they go? why do they go? or is it just that they simply haven't disappeared but you've reached the what i call dreaded comfort zone? i find that most people in the beginning of course are more willing to compromise then later on in the relationship. your trying to impress the other so you'll do things you don't even necessarily like. to me that's a no go, don't do that. i wish you could look at someone and see say 6 months then 2 years down the road and be able to make your judgements then.
i fell in love with the nights on the beach under the stars and moon. the way he was always all over me and promised it would never change. the way he held my hand and never let go, no matter where we were or who was around. theres a million things, i could go on for days. but it almost seems as if the things i fell in love with have gone to the curb side not all of them just a few but its the little things that are the most important. how does this happen? guys if you don't like the beach don't take your girl in the beginning if your never gonna do it again. if your not the lovey dovey type then don't be that way in the beginning. you guys need to start being real!! i think more then girls you need to stop doing what every girl wants and just be you. so that way later on down the road when you've reached that comfortable stage its not a bad thing. that way when shes expecting to go sit and for walks on the beach at night because that's what you did in the beginning she doesn't get let down because all of a sudden you hate the beach and don't plan on ever doing that again. don't waste our time with stuff that isn't going to last. or on a different note you could always just learn to compromise and do it only for the simple fact that it makes her happy and that in return makes you happy.

never let a day go by that you don't remind your love how you feel and why your with them. find those butterflies and re-create those nights that drew you together.

a fun weekend!!

So some fun and exciting things have happened this weekend! Some expected, some not at all. I finally after 23 years of life got my first computer that's mine and I don't have to share or worry about anyone else using. See something so simple that others take for granite is a huge deal for me. Thanks to my dad and Jane, Its perfect. Its super girly, pink and purple backgrounds, soft sensual music plays thru the speakers as I write thanks to Maxwell. He definitely knows how to set the mood. Even when I'm stressed his voice soothes and relieves my stress. It feels so good to truly have something that's mine. These past seven months I have often felt lost and misplaced at times. Always having to use somebody else's stuff, doing things somebody else's way. Its not fun. But ya know I guess that's part of starting over and yes I know everybody who starts anew goes thru this so I'm not trying to have a pity party. I'm just saying. I'm hoping to start doing this blog thing right and keep up with it now. Start learning how to design it and make my post better and interesting and always straight from my heart. Now I can add pictures and music all that stuff that will show my personality.
Other interesting things this weekend... I had my first photo shoot Saturday night! That was a lot of fun and a little out of my element. I feel like I look silly when I don't smile, but I didn't want to smile in every picture that gets old ya know? Aghh.. one day I will be a professional hahaa. I will post some of the pictures as soon as I get the disc. I didn't want your typical beach scenes just because I live at the beach so I asked Jami if we could go for a rustic theme. She totally agreed, so we went slight country cute I guess. Horses, barns, fences, cornfields it was fun. I even went and bought a cowgirl hat and feather earrings!! No cowboy boots here tho just denim heels. Let me just say though after seeing yourself on film you see what needs some work and how many more pounds you need to lose. No photo shop here unfortunately, trust I asked. I'm hoping to start taking pictures more often, you can never have too many pictures. I would love to have a nice camera and just snap anywhere and everywhere. One day.
Well tomorrow starts another week, hopefully its successful. I'm gonna finish my weekend out by watching cupcake wars, a quick shower then off to dreamland. Hope you had a wonderful weekend and an even better week to come. sweet dreams!! 

Liars shouldn't talk about love!

LOVE.... whoever says it is easy has never been in love before! I think this might possibly be the hardest thing we will ever do in life. Okay so maybe your disagreeing with me right now but that's okay, your allowed to. The question is why? why is it the hardest thing, when you think of being in love nobody ever thinks okay so what will we be working at today. No, you think butterflies in your tummy, grins that only he or she can produce, that heart skipping a beat when you see there name pop up on your phone, i love yous and tons and tons of kisses. That is the easy 'fairy tale' part of being in love. After a few months when your no longer embarrassed if you burp in front of him, or if you kiss first thing when your eyes open even with morning breath, that's when the work comes into play. Its now time to decide if what you have is worth fighting for and keeping the spark and connection alive. Now it takes patience, selflessness, putting their needs before yours, thinking before you speak (which i have a huge problem with), figuring out when to be the first to say I'm sorry. All the hard things that nobody teaches you, you kinda just have to learn them on your own. 


The number one 'problem' which is never a problem in the beginning stages of love is communication!!!!!! I have found that the key thing to a lasting relationship, well wait a second I probably should say the key thing that tears couples apart is no communication. Seeings how I haven't really had a 'lasting' relationship yet. In saying that though that has been my problem in the past, we never talked, there was never a 'hey! how was your day" or a "look this is why I'm mad...". Without that you wont go far I, myself am very vocal. I always say how I feel, even if its not the nicest thing. Sometimes you just have to be blunt and honest. But when you get nothing in return you soon find your arguing with yourself. Then what you thought was until the end of time is now until you sign these papers. I hate when people shut down and don't just say it like it is. I need and want to know why you feel the way you do and why your mad at me. So I can work on it and if it's truly my fault I want to change that. Nobody wants to stay a certain way if its a bad thing.  Not to mention see after so many little disagreements and holding it all in, then comes one HUGE fight and you explode on me out of nowhere over something dumb like not going to sit on the beach. When the reason I didn't go there is because you said you didn't like to sit on the beach, so by me putting you first and not dragging you out there, you get mad at me. How does that even make sense. Like I'm still confused... 


You wanna know whats the scary part and difference between being married and just being in a relationship? The fact that in a marriage you can get extremely pissed off and even leave for a few hours or hey even a night but your coming home for sure. Well just being in a relationship is super scary for me. At any moment a simple argument can turn into "I'm done" and it really be over for good. There's really no safety or security anymore, no matter how much you love each other, no matter how long you've been together. Let me tell you, after some trial and error you learn quick whats worth fighting over and whats not and just let it slide. However I apparently like to throw it all out and deal with it when its current so I don't have to sit on it and think. But as I said in my last post... I'm learning, trying hard to fix those things. 


The most important thing I think is you have to both take the time to try and figure out each other. Men and women are so soo sooo different. I am your typical woman for instance; This sky wheel down in myrtle beach well I've been wanting to ride it and haven't yet. Okay, well here's my thinking on it.. In my head now that I have voiced I want to go ride it several times, I'm thinking okay its a simple cheap way to show me you want to do things that make me happy, so you surprise me one night and lets ride down there grab something simple to eat, and go ride it. Ta Da!! super simple!! well I guess in a mans mind it goes something like this; if she wants to ride it then she'll ask me to lets go one night, she'll say where were eating and that's that. Or she'll go with her friends if she really wants to go. Hello!!! wrong! I want to go for the first time with you, because you are what makes it special. You, are who I want to spend my time with. If I wanted to just ride it and not care I would have been there the day it opened with whom ever. 

Change.... its not ALWAYS the other person

So... Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately. For several different reasons but most importantly for myself. Trying to figure out how to be a better ME! Although its definitely hard. I guess there comes a point when you can only blame so much on the OTHER person. Whether its a friendship, significant other or even family members. Eventually you need to turn that finger around to your self. Nobody ever wants to do that tho. Well its the only way to be the best you can be. Ive been trying to figure out why I do the things I do, why I feel the way I feel. 


So the other day I woke up early to cramps, then fell back asleep which turned into over sleeping, which in return made me 25 minutes late to work. So just that simple my day had already started out horrible. Once I got there and took a breath, let my poor little heart slow down its pace something clicked in my head. From then on my entire day started to turn around. I suddenly felt empowered! Believe me when I say I have not felt this way in months now, so it was an unexpected feeling. Suddenly tho everything was okay, in every aspect of my life I felt in control. On the one side signing papers, moving on, accepting life well it was all okay. Realizing people are going to be who they want to be and do what they want no matter what makes it easy. He'll be just fine, and we will always be friends. At this point he is just another person in this world. I am in control of the situation, it no longer controls me. That feels wonderful! 


As far as my new adventure in life well I've been figuring things out. Wanting to use the good from my past and learn to leave the bad. What I need to change. Not for him but for Me. To make me the best I can be. I'm learning how to not be as needy. Its really hard because that's how I feel loved is by affection. But ya know maybe I ask too much. So therefore I'll never be completely satisfied. Which means if I don't need all that affection then I can't be hurt or upset when I don't get it. Yes I know this coming from me is probably an oxymoron of some type considering this is why I am no longer married. But ya know at some point in life you have to look at yourself. And see if maybe the problem is you. Not always someone else. I feel like in the past month I've grown a lot. I need to find ways of not needing someone else. I mean I have been by myself all my life, you wouldn't think I'd need anyone. But then again maybe that's why I've become so needy. Hmm I haven't really ever thought about why I'm so needy. With all that said I still think I need to not need someone to make me complete. Or completely happy. I should be able to be that all on my own. The person I'm with should be a compliment to my happiness. Not what determines it. Wow that sounded really good. I am proud of myself. 

I think it takes a strong person to be with me, someone who is okay with hearing exactly how i feel at any given moment.  About them, others, work, life. Its time for me to stop taking things so seriously, to lighten up some. I am no longer going to always focus on the future, but try to just take in every day and enjoy them as they come. I am working on not letting my feelings get hurt so easily anymore too. Because you know what I am a great catch, I am just as beautiful as the next, so therefore anybody who is going to be with me should feel just as lucky to be with me as I do them. Realizing that someone chose me out of all the other girls is how I am going to try and look at different issues. On the same note I also chose them out of all the other people in this world I could have potentially met. So they should also always keep that in mind. It's hard sometimes when you've never been shown affection or attention from the one you loved. It can turn you cold towards the people in your future but I choose to not play that card. I will start fresh. I'm accepting people for who they are and not trying to change them but no longer expecting anything of them. Learning how to limit myself with who I trust and open up too but finding the fine line that separates being someone who keeps everything closed in. Its okay to have a few friends that you can talk to. I've figured out the real ones from the fake already. Slowly... very slowly I am going to be a better me. Simply for me!

Life is pretty much a breath of fresh air now. Each day holds something new. That's what I want. So here's to having a little control of my life and a new me!! 

Hello world...it's me!!

Conscious: fully aware of or sensitive to something  

Confidence: belief in ones self, ones powers and abilities.

So I was nervous trying to figure out what my first entry should be. This is pretty intense. First impressions are very important! With that being said let's start with a little about myself so you can get to know the girl behind the words.

My name is Jessica. You can envision a big brown eyed, hair ever changing, bright smile, and on the shorter side of the 5 foot mark. I am a complete girlie girl. I am 23 and finding myself these days. I am hardly ever content with life, I'm always looking for more. I usually over analyze and question everything. Reason being I'm trying to find my way in this world and I'm always scared I am going to miss something. That is not necessarily a good thing I know, it often creates stress but hey that's me. In the past few years I have become true to myself. I am very much the same person with you as I am the next. I don't see the point in changing for people, you either love me or hate me. I have found that I love deep, sometimes too deep. Which I'm definitely getting into in the next few post to come. I am learning to not be so serious and be more playful. To take one day at a time, to be in the moment and not always concentrated on the future.That is so much easier said than done, but like I said I'm working on it. 



Ever since I can remember I have had pretty good self esteem. That all has to do with how I was raised, my parents were always honest but encouraging to me. Yes I had my doubts and went through my awkward years but who hasn't? In school I was never the pretty girl, I was never the one with boyfriends. No, I was always just the one guys came to with there girl problems. To me at that time I thought my friends must have been prettier than me or skinnier than me. I never really understood why, and even though I would question it, and wonder why am not the one he has a crush on, in some way or another I still had a sense of confidence. Yes I know, that sounds like a bunch of in-securities but somehow or another it really won't. I like to think since high school I have made that transition from awkward but pretty into a beautiful young woman. I have come into my own, I now know that I am pretty, I have become the attractive one. I've learned to love my big brown eyes and know that you don't have to have blue eyes to be pretty, which is what I always thought. I am getting in shape as we speak, little things that use to bother me no longer do. My flaws for the most part I have accepted and know that they are what makes me, well me! Lets face it though, looks are only part of a person. I think when your not the one who's always been the prettiest you learn to be kind, encouraging, respectful, sweet and all that is what really makes you a beautiful person. Okay, okay I know how cliché, but how many people do you know that are extremely attractive to look at but there personality and attitudes are arrogant and they pride themselves in there looks alone. Then that makes them what? Ugly exactly. I think what I'm trying to get at here is my confidence comes from learning who I am, and knowing what I'm not. I don't try to be anything but myself. And that just happens to be a good hearted, sweet, always rooting for the underdog, respectful, kind girl. Now that I know who I am I don't need someone else's opinions or words to make me feel good and have confidence in myself. So enough about me for now let's concentrate on you for a moment.
 

Are you confident? How would you describe it? Are you just confident in your looks? Work? What about love, are you confident in your relationships? You may have read my title and thought "consciously confident.. That's an oxymoron." I don't think so. I think its a brilliant way of looking at life in all aspects. In order to be the best you can be and successful you have to be confident in yourself, but being conscious of the fact that your not the greatest thing God created there will always be someone better. Its being conscious and not letting your confidence turn into arrogance. I have found that confidence and arrogance easily get mixed up. I once read this; confident people understand there are people who are stronger in some aspects of life. They also know they have weaknesses. Arrogant people yet similar neglect to  acknowledge their weaknesses and instead attempt to play up their strengths. Which is caused by in-securities. So with a better understanding now, ask yourself which one are you?

I have found in my whole 23 years of life that confidence gets you places. You have to have self esteem and believe in yourself. Because if you don't then no one else will. Its not about being good at everything. Its about being really good at one thing. Its not being the prettiest. Its being confident in your flaws and owning them. That is the key to being found attractive. Confidence I believe is like smiling, its contagious. People are drawn to confident people. I mean think about it, would you rather be around someone who knows who they are, who is confident in their abilities or be around the person who is always downing themselves, questioning everything and asking for everyone else's opinions and approval? Exactly. I guess my point with this blog is to just encourage you to be confident in your life. But do it consciously! Don't be the cocky know it all, nobody and I mean nobody likes a know it all. Be proud of who you are. Figure out why you were created. Find yourself and your place in this crazy world. That I think is the whole point in life. I can only speak from my own experiences in my blogs to come but I hope with each post I can brighten at least one persons day. Make you feel worth something, because you are. With all your baggage and all your flaws your still worth something. You deserve to be the best you that you can be and that you deserves the world! 

"Confidence it's what makes a girl sexy!"

"Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong."

"Confidence is freedom."

"I am not a has been, I am a will be."

"Self confidence is the difference between feeling unstoppable and feeling scared out of your mind. Your perception of yourself has an enormous impact on how others perceive you."