So... Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately. For several different reasons but most importantly for myself. Trying to figure out how to be a better ME! Although its definitely hard. I guess there comes a point when you can only blame so much on the OTHER person. Whether its a friendship, significant other or even family members. Eventually you need to turn that finger around to your self. Nobody ever wants to do that tho. Well its the only way to be the best you can be. Ive been trying to figure out why I do the things I do, why I feel the way I feel.
So the other day I woke up early to cramps, then fell back asleep which turned into over sleeping, which in return made me 25 minutes late to work. So just that simple my day had already started out horrible. Once I got there and took a breath, let my poor little heart slow down its pace something clicked in my head. From then on my entire day started to turn around. I suddenly felt empowered! Believe me when I say I have not felt this way in months now, so it was an unexpected feeling. Suddenly tho everything was okay, in every aspect of my life I felt in control. On the one side signing papers, moving on, accepting life well it was all okay. Realizing people are going to be who they want to be and do what they want no matter what makes it easy. He'll be just fine, and we will always be friends. At this point he is just another person in this world. I am in control of the situation, it no longer controls me. That feels wonderful!
As far as my new adventure in life well I've been figuring things out. Wanting to use the good from my past and learn to leave the bad. What I need to change. Not for him but for Me. To make me the best I can be. I'm learning how to not be as needy. Its really hard because that's how I feel loved is by affection. But ya know maybe I ask too much. So therefore I'll never be completely satisfied. Which means if I don't need all that affection then I can't be hurt or upset when I don't get it. Yes I know this coming from me is probably an oxymoron of some type considering this is why I am no longer married. But ya know at some point in life you have to look at yourself. And see if maybe the problem is you. Not always someone else. I feel like in the past month I've grown a lot. I need to find ways of not needing someone else. I mean I have been by myself all my life, you wouldn't think I'd need anyone. But then again maybe that's why I've become so needy. Hmm I haven't really ever thought about why I'm so needy. With all that said I still think I need to not need someone to make me complete. Or completely happy. I should be able to be that all on my own. The person I'm with should be a compliment to my happiness. Not what determines it. Wow that sounded really good. I am proud of myself.
I think it takes a strong person to be with me, someone who is okay with hearing exactly how i feel at any given moment. About them, others, work, life. Its time for me to stop taking things so seriously, to lighten up some. I am no longer going to always focus on the future, but try to just take in every day and enjoy them as they come. I am working on not letting my feelings get hurt so easily anymore too. Because you know what I am a great catch, I am just as beautiful as the next, so therefore anybody who is going to be with me should feel just as lucky to be with me as I do them. Realizing that someone chose me out of all the other girls is how I am going to try and look at different issues. On the same note I also chose them out of all the other people in this world I could have potentially met. So they should also always keep that in mind. It's hard sometimes when you've never been shown affection or attention from the one you loved. It can turn you cold towards the people in your future but I choose to not play that card. I will start fresh. I'm accepting people for who they are and not trying to change them but no
longer expecting anything of them. Learning how to limit myself with who I trust and open up too but
finding the fine line that separates being someone who keeps everything
closed in. Its okay to have a few friends that you can talk to. I've
figured out the real ones from the fake already. Slowly... very slowly I am going to be a better me. Simply for me!
Life is pretty much a
breath of fresh air now. Each day holds something new. That's what I
want. So here's to having a little control of my life and a new me!!
