just another venting moment

You were so wonderful. You always will be. You will always be the person I knew, not the person you are now. I tried to run. I tried to tell myself I didn't love you. Truth is I've never loved you more than I do now. I tried to tell myself it would be so much better if I just left. I thought someone else could love me more. I thought there would be someone better. I thought that what I had was nothing to brag about. Its simple really. I just thought the grass was greener on the other side. But what I found out is the grass is greener where you water it. And though I had convinced myself I did everything right, all I knew to do, that I didn't put us in this situation, truth is I did just as much as you. I lay in bed at night for some times hours and reflect on what we had. I lay and wonder what you are doing. If you maybe are thinking of me. If you ever think about me. I have lately realized even more reasons why you were so wonderful. How good I truly had it. How I never had to worry about you. How you would look at me, how you would kiss me, the feelings you use to give me when I waited for you to come home, how we for the most part never were apart. I also think of all the things I would do different given the chance....

I don't know if it was simply a live and learn moment in my life, or maybe one day we will be again and I will love you even more. Whatever happens I have come to terms with it, I am trying my best to depend on God alone to direct my path, and if that means a Mr. & Mrs. Thompson 2.0 then I will do everything in my power to make it all up to you. If it means the RIGHT one, the one who was created for me is still out there, then I hope to take my lessons learned and be a better woman for him. Because there is nothing greater in this life than to LOVE and be LOVED. 

no matter what i say

its officially been a year now and yet this morning in church i had another melt down. why. when will i ever get over you. i keep telling myself i am in love with the person you use to be not who you are today. and as much as i know that to be true it isnt making this any easier. i dont think i want to be back together but then again it may even be a pride thing at this point. because no matter what i say im not over you. every song, slow, fast, happy or sad, every movie, every person i run into, family, friends, work, just driving, everything that comes out of my mouth is still about you. and maybe thats because your all ive ever had to talk about, but its been 12 months now and i should have more to talk about besides you. you should be erasing a little more everyday and i swear none of you has gone anywhere. 


this morning i think was different, it wasnt a YOU meltdown. it was a why am i not lucky enough to find a husband like Shawna and Hannah, someone who loves the Lord. Someone who worships with there whole heart and shows it. someone who dresses so nice, someone who will say come on were going to church, someone who will take my hand and pray with me all the time, someone who can still have fun and go places but it not be about "partying". someone who understands and has the same morals and sees the world similar to how i do. a husband who is always there holding his kids and playing with them, kissing there boo boos, tucking them in at night. someone who loves to laugh, to see the world, to spend quality time and sincerely have an interest in his family. it was hard seeing and holding little Evynn knowing that i could have a baby right now if i would have stayed, that could be me. not that it would have made it better but this is the life i want. so why can i not find a Godly man, a hard working man, a unselfish man?? when will it be my turn? i never knew it was so hard to be alone. i see potential in this one but i swear its going to take a long time and quite frankly i dont know if i have that time. so God you have got to send the ONE my way and i am begging you, like tomorrow.