am i mad at myself for leaving? some days because with the time that has passed and the realization that you were great in so many ways that i never gave you credit for starts to set in. i apologize for being young and naive, for expecting a fairy tale, for not knowing any better. for marrying my first love and not know the reality of all that goes into a relationship. then there are days where i am proud of myself. for getting out and not staying any longer in the chance that it was never going to change and would always be the same problems over and over. id be slightly happy, try to have kids to make it look like we had it all together, like we were super happy and so in love. id still never fit in, you would still never be around or occupied with something besides me. then id be stuck with babies and a dog and still begging for your attention. with my leaving i have shown myself that i can take care of me. provide for myself. i have a successful career, my own house, a car, i pay my own bills. now i can know that i need no one to live. it is now a choice to let others help me or take care of me. i don't need a man for those reasons.
then there are those days where i sit and think ya know who's to say that we might would be the best we had ever been. everything could have gotten better and changed, we could be spending time together, going places, you would still be doing good. we would happily be welcoming our first little one soon. life could be what i always expected. those days are the toughest. those are the days where i miss your kiss in the morning. where i miss waiting for you to walk thru that door at 5:30, where me and buddy use to sit by the window awaiting your arrival. those days where i felt alive. i know i cant undo whats done and I'm not saying that i would want to do that even if i could. I'm just saying i miss you. i wish i had some kind of relationship with you. you were my best friend. you knew me better than anyone. i could count on you, when i needed a bug killed you were there, when my check engine light came on you were there. when i needed you to spray tan my backside you were there, to get those hateful microscopic hairs out of my skin you were the best.
all i know is that i know absolutely nothing anymore. since I've been gone I've had no big revelations, it hasn't gotten any easier, and i don't miss you any less. i wish i could save you, i would rescue you from yourself and the people your surrounding yourself with these days. you would have purpose and worth again. you would know someone loves you more than anything else in this world. because no matter what comes my way, where i am, who I'm with, or where i am in this world. i will always be your biggest fan, and i will forever love you.
