no matter what i say

its officially been a year now and yet this morning in church i had another melt down. why. when will i ever get over you. i keep telling myself i am in love with the person you use to be not who you are today. and as much as i know that to be true it isnt making this any easier. i dont think i want to be back together but then again it may even be a pride thing at this point. because no matter what i say im not over you. every song, slow, fast, happy or sad, every movie, every person i run into, family, friends, work, just driving, everything that comes out of my mouth is still about you. and maybe thats because your all ive ever had to talk about, but its been 12 months now and i should have more to talk about besides you. you should be erasing a little more everyday and i swear none of you has gone anywhere. 


this morning i think was different, it wasnt a YOU meltdown. it was a why am i not lucky enough to find a husband like Shawna and Hannah, someone who loves the Lord. Someone who worships with there whole heart and shows it. someone who dresses so nice, someone who will say come on were going to church, someone who will take my hand and pray with me all the time, someone who can still have fun and go places but it not be about "partying". someone who understands and has the same morals and sees the world similar to how i do. a husband who is always there holding his kids and playing with them, kissing there boo boos, tucking them in at night. someone who loves to laugh, to see the world, to spend quality time and sincerely have an interest in his family. it was hard seeing and holding little Evynn knowing that i could have a baby right now if i would have stayed, that could be me. not that it would have made it better but this is the life i want. so why can i not find a Godly man, a hard working man, a unselfish man?? when will it be my turn? i never knew it was so hard to be alone. i see potential in this one but i swear its going to take a long time and quite frankly i dont know if i have that time. so God you have got to send the ONE my way and i am begging you, like tomorrow.