tomorrow feels like yesterday

Almost 13 months since I last tasted your kiss, felt your heart beat, heard you say the words I love you. Most days I cope just fine, I am  excited about my future and what God has for me. I don't give the thought of you much more attention than to pray for you. Today however is one of those days I've grown to know these past 13 months all to well. I would be content with crying the rest of this afternoon and listening to songs that were 'ours' or just sad love songs and reminisce on how things use to be, what I use to have. I can't shake you the past three days, since Sunday. It all started again when I went to Breath of Life, I just can't do it. I still only see you, hear you, knowing exactly how you would be playing and swaying to Praise and Worship. It's where you should be, it's where I feel you more than anywhere else in this town. I try, I really do, but the only solution is to  not go back. There is no getting over it, the only way to deal with it is not put myself in that place. All I've wanted to do is just see you and talk to you the past few days, I look for you everywhere hoping I'll run into you..... 
It's all coming to an end, and that's why I'm feeling this way. By next month if all goes according to plan it should be over. That's it. Peace. We go our own separate ways. You go to her, I go home alone. I'm dreading that day and the month to follow. Yes I said month. The realness of what is happening is starting to take affect. It hurts, its the worst pain, and even tho it hurts so bad theres no words that even begin to describe it. It's not a "break up" pain, it's not a "I hate you" pain. It's a "You were my entire world, my life was you. I use to dream about you at 12 years old and talk to God about you. I knew I was going to marry you at 14, It's a you were my very first Love, it's like losing your best friend, family member, your dog died, half of your being is connected to that person, it's like walking around this big ol' world with this whole that just remains empty and it's as if people can just look right through it, that's how visible it should be because of how real it feels. no matter what you try to fill it with. It takes away your self worth, confidence, reason for even waking up in the morning, it takes away all your energy, you have stomach pains from the emptiness that no food, drink, chocolate, nothing can stop. Even the sunniest, birds chirping, flowers blooming day feels like a thunderstorm that your trapped in. It literally feels like you are incomplete, half of me is gone. Nobody can make it better, no money can buy you enough things to hide it, no amount of weight loss can make you feel good about yourself, no amount of makeup can make you feel pretty, no matter how many guys might be interested, you still feel unwanted". Even all of that doesn't even compare to the pain. I try to hide it the best I know how, but sometimes you have no choice it just all comes pouring out. Tonight is that night. Today has been emotionally exhausting for me. I want to eat and go to sleep and not dream about your face, then wake up to a new morning. A "happy" day. I feel like if I say it enough eventually it will set in.  The part that is even harder and the most painful is feeling like you don't feel any of this...